I am SuPeR

"Two roads diverged in a wood,
And I--I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference." -Robert Frost

I have always wanted to be a supermodel. And indeed, today I have become one. Today was a fairytale.

Eye Baggage: It ain't heavy :')

"A smile is worth a thousand words." -Chinese Proverb

But my eye bags? They're worth restless nights thinking about what lies ahead. A part of it is studying, and honestly, most of it would be lying awake until dawn, thinking about where I went wrong and how I'm supposed to correct it one last time for this semester

I'm proud of my eye bags, though I know I am not the person who sleeps the "latest" in our batch. I know I'm not the most intelligent one, I admit I am not the most dedicated one, and to top it all, I am not the most deserving for  an acknowledgement for pleasing my parents' expectations; but one thing's for sure: I will not give up striving to be the best version of me, and whether or not this semester's result will bring me great joy or otherwise, I will make sure I will be able to give my parents a good name, my benefactor the grades worthy of their generosity, and a good future for my future kids.

For the record, that's why those thick eye bags are worth having. I love you Lord. :)

That's the way it should be. :')

Enlisted

Today, I woke up about 3:26 am. I tried to doze off for a while but I knew in my head I that I should really be jumping out of bed already. This morning (hopefully), will be the last morning that I’d be waking up very early to enrol myself in the block of my choice. That would be ACA in mind. Eventually, I found myself taking a bath by 4am and by 5 o’clock I was already ready to go to school. I expected chairs on the waiting line so I brought with me our mini pillow, hoping that I can grab myself some nap as I wait for 8am (the official time in opening the encoding office).

Upon arrival at school, I was so shocked that I found almost 20 people lining up already, STANDING. There were no chairs so I dreadfully thought of idly standing there for the next four hours. DARN. Good thing is, they are BA students and I really had nothing to worry about the block of my choice. Until then, I was undecided whether to go for the block of my choice which had a very early morning schedule (so as to inculcate discipline) and a very straightforward line up of teachers (which included a new audit problems instructor whom I have been stalking for infos since yesterday). My friends were out for ACB and people like it primarily because it doesn’t start early and the audit problems teacher is someone we’ve already known. I WAS IN COMPLETE DILEMMA.

I prayed hard that God would actually enlighten me to choose the right block. In times of doubt, I usually ask for help from someone independent, so I texted my best friend to choose between three letters; A B or C. I closed my eyes and actually cried. I didn’t really want to depend a choice of a lifetime to someone else, because it’s my life. But in the same way, I wanted to see that block in the same way others did. Perhaps I was so narrow-minded about ACA. They had the same breaks with ACB though you actually have to wake up very early. When I checked my phone, she replied; B.

The rest is history.

Lies

Good or bad, it's still a lie and nothing can keep you from paying for it later on. In one way or another.

Today was splendid. I finally had a good long nap and I was able to watch Monte Carlo once more. Eventually, it was also my first time to see an episode of "Person of Interest." Too bad, I won't be able to catch up on it anymore.

I learned so much about TRUTH with both of those movies and I guess the sense of sin in me really matters. I posted something on facebook and twitter today. A friend of mine noticed and I don't know what to say so I logged out. Sad. I should be careful about everything that I do next time. I don't want lies. Trust me, I've been extending much effort lately to avoid lying. I hate the pain inside, that ugly feeling within after depriving people of the truth they deserve.

This break can't get any worse. I cried too much on the first week. Conscience stroke me too hard the second week and on the third week; BOOM! I expect killer grades! HAHA. Mind if you insert sarcasm over here?!

I love this life. Seriously. I'm learning. And I hope, at the very bottom of my heart that I'd be able to act on my learnings. 'Til then. :')

The Prologue

“Some people see things as they are and ask; why? Other people see things that never were and ask, why not?”- Robert F. Kennedy

I honestly find it hard to recall the first time I grasped the notion of love. Surely, it had to be somewhere during my childhood years though. Those were the days when I see mom and dad hold hands and kiss each other’s cheek, those were the times when I cry out loud and granny wipes away my tears with her loose blouse and those were the moments when my best friend would share to me her last few pieces of chicheria because she knows it’s also my favorite snack. Barely, that was twelve years ago. Twelve years.

Here comes change. Strange isn’t it? That moment when your seatmate teases you to that heartthrob cutie everyone’s eyeing at way back in grade school. It’s undeniable that “that teasing part” makes you smile. AAAHH. Perhaps, that was the time I had the slightest notion of a crush. Since then, the innocence started to fade out and everything went pitch-black. You tend to feel that giggling sensation deep inside when he brushes off his cool butterfly hairstyle with his hands and gives out that killer smile. Those were the times when hairclips, a new pink bag and a shiny pair of shoes were my crowning glory. They made me feel that I actually had a chance of the possibility of him, liking me back. So young at that, when someone actually made me someone I’m not.

Let’s not forget this part: that time of your life when that ‘he’ happens to have a crush on that ‘she’ who apparently plays the role of being your best friend. Heck yes. It was in grade school when I had to deal with seeing them slip into each other’s bag SOME CUTE LOVE LETTERS. Sounds unfair, and I actually wanted to play the part of the contrabida you know. [-] This close, yes, that close! HAHA! It sounds unfair really, you know, she’s supposed to have love letters from you on Valentine’s day as her best friend, but now she actually enjoys having one every single day and the worst part is, it’s from him. Your crush. Tsk, tsk.

Okay. So much for this puppy love heart-breaking chapter, let’s talk about high school. Old school. Oh well, in my case, at least. This part reminds me of Taylor Swift’s FIFTEEN. Was it just me? Or did cupid find me very unworthy of his arrow? Let’s put it this way: a girl like me experienced four sadly ever afters aside from burning my midnight torches for physics, zoology, lab reports for biology and a whole lot of mind-boggling exercises in calculus. Let’s start with the not-so-ouchy-part. I had a crush on someone who had to leave school for health reasons. He played the guitar so well. So sad. We could’ve made a perfect band. (LOL) Then, I had a crush on someone even if I knew he was courting the hottest student in school. And yes, even if he got dumped, I still didn’t get the chance to take over the spotlight. Very heart-breaking. Go on, keep waiting at the school lobby for him to pass by. (sigh) The next outcome was when I had a crush on that guy who ‘periodically’ texted me and made me feel I was cool. Unfortunately, I woke up one day, and saw him carry someone else’s kikay bag. Right, they’re together now. So much for my happy ending. SO SAD PART 3. Finally….I finally believed this guy’s the one. He goes to my school with some support group (HAHA.) and he gets to say his part of the speech and actually made me and my friends believe he’s dead serious and BOOM! Just before I could officially say I’m now his “girlfriend” one FINE day, those same friends of mine whom he actually talked to; saw him smooching with someone in public. Oh well, this can’t get any worse, can it?

So, the unfortunate turn of events made me cry out: WHAT GRUESOME AND HORRENDOUS SORCERRY IS THIS?! While everyone has already gotten their fair share of romantic dance during the junior prom, why do I find myself pretending to eat on the dining table so that I won’t get jealous of my friends having the time of their lives! WHERE HAVE YOU GONE, MY KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOUR?!

I know you actually heard of the “payback time” part when the lead actress gets to have a taste of some accomplishments in life and they somehow made her believe that maybe in college, perhaps in college, the overrated lipstick, eye-liner and pressed powder would actually make her look more human. I got through that as well. Positive reinforcement. At least.

HIHI. I don’t actually want to elaborate more of this part. HAHA. It really makes me laugh to recall the kind of love story God wrote for me for two years in college. Fine. I was, for the first time, happy. Crossroads really make sense. A whole lot of sense actually. I experienced butterflies in my stomach on my first date with mom and dad’s license, late night calls, and all that. The weird thing is, both of you don’t actually talk in class. LITERALLY, like you didn’t exist. Then a simple complication, miscommunication leads to fall out. So many things that I wish you knew but the story of us might be ending soooooon…wait, is that a song? Nevermind. HAHA! To cut it short, we both screwed up and it didn’t work out. End. ;)

Very well then, I promised myself to never ever get vulnerable to these stupid emotions. I drowned myself with a nightmare of accounting problems and yes, they actually got me through! But then, I’m just human you know, so I accidentally fell for this young and (HAHAHAHAHA) teacher. Wait, I can’t spill it here. Just so you’d know, I always made it a point to pass by his office and check if the teacher next to his cubicle is beautiful or not. I also made it an effort to pass by his 7pm class VERY SLOWLY, like that slow motion effect you see on movies. Silly. But then the attraction actually faded. Just like that.

Well, this part of the sharing is overkill already. Let’s just move forward to the main event. For the first time, I actually had a crush on an innocent mind! (insert witch-like laughter here). He’s a junior by the way. I tampered an organizational file just to have a 1x1 photo of him. OKAYFINE. Call me whatever. It’s done already. Deal with it. XD I can’t explain it but I’m glad I feel normal again. I mean, the usual routine of stalking! I know, you’re now telling me that THIS ISN’T GONNA WORK OUT FOR THE NTH TIME, BUT WHO CARES?! I’M ALIVE AND I’M ENTITLED TO THIS….THIS WHATEVER YOU CALL IT! :D

Maybe, there isn’t a guy in the universe meant for me. The possibility of being a nun actually crossed my mind once. Fine. So much for the blah blah. On the other hand, perhaps THERE IS actually a guy destined for me. Aside from being a crybaby, there’s gotta be a reason why old songs still knock me off my feet every time I listen to them just before I sleep. Maybe there’s a reason why I still get to wipe tears on my cheeks when I talk to God about the right guy, at the right place, at the right time. Maybe, just maybe, these will all make sense after all.

When you love, you don’t have to make the person fall for you so you’d completely experience love. I’d be a hypocrite if I’ll deny that I NEVER hoped he’d like me back, but then, you see, as what I have learned in my philosophy class, the beauty of love is in the loving in itself, not the love given in return. Had I known this fact long before, cursing cupid wouldn’t have been one of my favorite pass times. (just kidding. Cupid looks hot by the way, based on how he was described in Edith Hamilton’s book). I should have felt more deeply the simple joy it gave me, even if I know for a fact that he won’t notice or admire me, just as how I admire him.

Every little girl dreamt of her own prince charming right after that Disney movie flashed “the end” on the screen. Every teenage soul hoped for the perfect guy who would actually sing to her that mp3 song she’s been dying to play for more than a week. Every lady had her greatest hopes for the right man whom her children will call “father” someday. A friend of mine said that choosing the right man would be the very first gift she could give to her future kids, just before they are born.

I didn’t have a solo walk for having no boyfriend since birth for almost 2 decades now. And yes, girls like us still exist. Girls like us are actually willing to keep our eyes open so we’ll see the right guy fall right in front of our doorstep. (But for the meantime, we sure can make exemptions to take a short peek at those pretty faces that pass by our window once in a while. HAHA!)

Every girl has her own story to tell. Mine has just begun. ♥

Think About it

I am the typical scholarly girl who religiously goes to school, spends a bit of her time hanging out with “intellectual” friends and bids them good bye afterwards. I was the kind of girl who would more likely refuse to take a bungee-jumping ticket pass because mom and dad might disapprove. I was that girl who sat alone in the corner of the room during prom and who honestly never had a boyfriend, even up to now, while I am writing this stuff, whatever you call it.

There have been countless of movies that influenced me. Even the diction and choice of words of some famous actors and actresses in Hollywood have already been incorporated to my entire personality. Mimicry, in some way has been my way of life. I’ve always been the girl who believed in happily ever-afters, who wishfully held her greatest hopes for a life full of adventure, thrill, laughter and romance. I will not deny the fact that I daydream, almost every single day. Apart from the harsh and unloving society that I grew up with, (thank goodness, my parents taught me how to love) I didn’t happen to let go of that aspiration that the world has a lot of things... great things in store for me.

Well, let’s have a major reality check. I am a very forgetful person.  Perhaps science can explain it, or the art of psychiatry can, but seriously, it’s getting in my way towards being a successful Chief Finance Officer someday. It sucks to know that simple instructions at home always get unaccomplished, and worse, most of the time, it ends up with broken kitchenwares, faucets open for about an hour, things lost, and all else that can be disastrous. I know, I know, it has to be addressed before it’s too late. My parents are seriously upset about it and what more can be frustrating when you can’t get to have the best of both worlds? Family and academic life....well I don’t even get to experience the “good” from even one of them. I am a gradating Accountancy student now at a local university and I am not ready for the real world. I mean, the business world where your boss can yell at you anytime, anywhere without you having the right to practice your “human rights” or when you get to mingle with mean officemates who hypothetically stab your back every single day, plus the pile of office tasks to accomplish. Now tell me, who in this world would not prefer to settle with her short daydreams somehow, to ease the thought of worry? Oh, the Board exam! Let’s not forget that part. Every Accountancy student sees that as the final test. You know, it’s like the CIA or NBI final initiation towards being a part of an intelligence team. Cool right? I mean, every newly-registered CPA aspirant would surely shout for joy by the time they get to see their names on the passers’ list.

You know, I’ve been thinking, what if right now, at this very moment, a drop-dead-gorgeous agent will jump inside my room while I’m typing this stuff and will do his insanely cool moves and will inform me that the United States of America has collaborated with the Republic of the Philippines to include me in their team to track down a serious terrorism threat in the Middle East or somewhere dangerous and I will be out of the picture (in that case, I’ll stop going to school, my family will think I’m dead or something to that extent) for a year or more. What do you think will I say? Of course I will ask questions and he’ll say: “Everything is under control Ms. Ess, we will be giving you necessary training for six months and after the mission, the federal government will hold itself responsible for the entire educational and societal problem you might encounter. We will arrange everything and you can continue your normal life. Right now, I just need you to decide. Your voluntary participation is necessary for this top secret operation.” Now what? I mean, I am about to end my 4 full years of college undertaking and here comes this macho guy who gives me the opportunity to do something entailing big responsibility, thrill, excitement, hard-core action and the chance of a lifetime to meet my Mr. Right. Yes, the typical me will actually take down the offer. But seriously, taking into consideration everything I owe to my benefactor and to my loving parents and to everyone who helped me to be where I am right now, I will still think twice. For a while, I think this would be the best case study to ponder upon and solve for that matter. Seriously, if you were in my shoes, will you say yes?

Think about it.

Athena: A part of me

Athena, the goddess of wisdom was the sole inspiration of my newest flash disk’s name. Having been able to own a new one after 2 years was a source of happiness for me. My old one was almost full, like 3.8mb over 4mb occupied already, so a brand new space was more than welcome you know! For a while, I was able to store academically-related documents in it and I dismissed the idea of actually using it for good. Perhaps it was because I got too attached with the old one or maybe with what’s inside the old one. Pictures. Smiles. Short stories of mine and of my friends. Childhood memories captured in a snapshot. Videos. Crazy videos. Pictures of stalked crushes. Essays out of boredom. Name it. Almost any outlet for my glory and imperfections were inside that small piece and one mistake made them all go “poof” like a bubble.

Honestly, it didn’t hit so suddenly that even right now while I am writing this for the sake of expression, I’m not feeling any pain at all. Well, for the very least, there wasn’t any air of grief. Yes, the entire metamorphosis of my vanity was in there and the act of transferring them all inside athena’s den ended it all. I tried everything I could to make sure it wasn’t really corrupted or something. I did all the possible resorts to test its existence, even pretending to print a file in an internet cafe. YES. I was that desperate. But it didn’t work. No, there was no sign of Athena. No, none at all.

Last night was one of the most remarkable nights of my life. I accepted the challenge to host an event in my organization. Well, it’s a so-so I guess. I mean, any JPIAN would have done the same if they were given the chance to do so. Anyone could have done perhaps as much as I did. But actually, apart from the idle moments onstage, the painful ankle, the act of pretending to look so energized even if you’re so otherwise, the dry lips, tired eyes, the voice issues and all sorts of things that tried to hinder me from being at my best in doing what I love to do since high school, there was one thing that kept me pushing; it was my indomitable will. I tell you, it was the 4^th year version of “hell week before midterms” and giving up on the last night was not an option. I was really thinking of the kind of accomplishment it to end the night knowing that I didn’t give up on myself. And most importantly, I knew I have to make memories. I mean, yes, I lost ATHENA, along with my photos, treasured files and soon-to-be YouTube sensation videos. I somehow lost a grip of the past..a part of me that I don’t want to let go. And that night, the 14^th of July proved me wrong. My past will always be with me. I will carry them with me wherever I go. The thing is, I should not dwell on it for the rest of my life just because it had been gorgeously doomed and glorious at the same time. I still have a future ahead of me, a beautiful morning worth waking up for. It was that instance when I saw everyone smiling, cheering, shouting like crazy, that I felt a unexplainable sensation in my heart. (naks naman) Their smiles are those that are worth the capture once more. Their laughter and screams make way for a new beginning for memories to treasure. And above all else, that night if I choose to, can be the very 1^st of my newest essays after everything else got deleted. You see, there’s hope in everything. You see, it’s just a matter of perspective. You see, people make choices form time to time- I mean, every time and it is on how we live by those choices that we determine our own paths to take. I have made a wrong decision and I can no longer do anything to undo it. However, life has its own reasons. The Jhala inside that piece of gadget might be gone for good. It might be God’s way of mitigating my vanity I guess. It might also be His guiding act to make me more rational in making decisions. But however I take it, one thing’s for sure, life goes on and the journey towards making more smiles, louder laughters, crazy videos and photo shoots, melodramatic essays and short stories has just gotten better.

I am no Athena. I am no goddess. But I am a human, capable of making people smile, laugh, cry, believe and love. I may not be able to remember every milestone that has come to pass, but each of them has already made their way to the making of a world premiere.  I may not be a wonderful sight but surely, the way I see the world is beyond the clutch of vocabulary. And that, that part of me can never be taken away from me. Ever. <3

God's plan

God actually has plans for each of us. Today, there are 4772 new CPA's in the Philippines. Some of my friends are one of those who just added three letters to their names. I cannot deny it but it actually felt so inspiring and GREAT and fulfilling! I am honestly so happy for them. The fact that their hard work really paid off, lifts me up from the tragedy I experienced last week because of my Final Grades of the recently concluded semester.

God knows the desires of my heart more than anyone else in this world. And believe it or not, I submit my destiny to Him. He knows best. To God be the glory! :')